Lidt om at være for rar, sød
alt for flink - og leve pinlig overfladisk:
Nedenstående fandt jeg for nogle år siden på nettet, (se det i
web.archive.org/web/20010109175500/http://www.cyberus.ca/)
Jeg synes, det var så interessant at det er synd det blot forsvinder i cyberspace.
da webstedet nu er lukket. - Derfor kan du her læse: Et Spørgsmål
og et godt svar fra en Generthedsklinik´s Brevkasse:
se: www.shyness.com/shyness-institute.html
PS. Hvis du gider oversætte teksten til dansk
bringer jeg den meget gerne her, tak.
ebbesk@mail1.stofanet.dk
-----------------------
Dear dr. Bruce:
"Every day I see people, that I courteously say hi and hallo to,
and talk to once in a while, but it never goes from "acquaintance" to "real friends" *
(even though they refer to me as a friend). That's just the problem. I have dozens
and dozens of "acquaintances" and zero "friends". Sometimes I think
I'm so polite and courteous around people that they treat me
more like an nice uncle than as their peer.
Any suggestions?
Svaret:
"You descipe the problem - in a nutshell
You are absolutely right in your diagnosis. It is
your insufferable 'nicety', that´s the lock on your loneliness.
'Nice' = courteous, deferential, non-asserive, non-confrontational etc.)
doesn't cut into other peoples heart and soul- at least not for the long run.
For as you say, i is the real relationships that really counts*
and you don´t get that with superfictional niceness.
People - many og us anyway -- now understands
and recognize that 'nice' is very often a cover for displaced aggressio
and more than often hidden hostility. It is just part of the games people plays.
Aggression and hostility that cannot emerge through normal channels (especially not
in a neurotic, aggressive-phobic society os the USA) but this dark force
will then materializes in unhealthy ways.
As George R. Bach
and Herb Goldberg , (se en god bog
+ det 1. kapitel ( se via "Excerpt" i menuen) + se 3)
note in their best selling book "Creative Aggression" (p. 23):
"Nice behavior eventually has a price, for both the 'nice guy'
and the person or persons involved with him. It is just alienating,
and often just indirectly hostility, and self-destructive because:
- the 'nice guy' tends to create an atmosphere such that others
avoid giving him honest, and genuine feedback. Love and
cititcs is the same. But this fear of just open up
blocks his emotional growth in a painfull way.
Just 'Nice' behavior will ultimately be distrusted by others.
That is, it generates a sense of uncertainty and lack of safety in others,
who can never be sure if they will be supported by the 'nice guy' in a crisis situation
that requires an aggressive confrontation with others.
'Too Nice guys' also stifle the growth of others.
They avoid giving others genuine feedback, and they deprive others
of a real person to assert against. This tends to force others in the relationship
to turn their agression against themelves. It also tends to generate guilt
and depressed feelings in others who are intimately involved
and maybe dependent on him.
And Because of this chronic 'niceness' roleplaying,
other people can never be certain if the relationship with a 'nice guy'
could endure a conflict or sustain an angry confrontation, if it did occur spontaneously.
This places great limits on the potential extent of intimacy in the relationship
by placing others constantly on their guard.
In short,
Too 'Nice' behavior is not reliable.
Periodically the 'nice' person explodes in unexpected rage
and those involved with him are shocked and unprepared to cope with it.
The 'nice guy', by holding his aggression in, may pay a high physiological price
in the form of psychosomatic problems, and a social price in the form of alienation.
and isolation. No one knows who you rearly are, what yur are thinking,
feeling and experimenting with etc etc. You are very alone,
if you get stuck in a too nice role in this stressfull life.
Too 'Nice' behavior is emotionally unreal behavior.
It puts severe restrictions on all relationships, and the ultimate victim
is sadly the 'nice' person himself." He pays with loneliness
and is often living in a very unrealistic fantacyworld.
So, here is the bottom line
STOP THIS CRAZYMAKING MADNESS!
The best friendship I ever had - and the longest lasting,
was based on an initial altercation (near fight) over a girl
we were both dating. From then, we happily traded insults at each other
- building a rapport from that. We got our aggressions out openly, honestly,
and constructively, without hiding them - or turning them
into sterile postures of 'nice'.
At the core of that insult trading,
was a level of mutual respect, and appreciation
for the honest demonstration of each other's *constructive* aggression.
This is the key, and I will not pretends, that it is easy.
Certainly not today, when trying to adopt a phony 'cool' posterior
is the rule and contributes to the phoney-baloney aggressive-phobic posturing
we see all around. No one wants to even appear open and confrontational,
at the risk of being seen as 'emotionally unstable'
or in some claptrap tree. It is a cultural problem,
but it need not nessasary be your
measure of honesty and love.
- when the exact opposite is the truth.
That is, the one who continuously represses all his aggressive instincts,
in subservience to the needs of others, merely drives them underground
so they appear in unhealthy ways (i.e. getting depressed, headaches,
sexual dysfunction, drinking - or other addictions).
Make new friends today, in new ways. Try to talk true
and honest words from your heart - only you can do it right.
your way. But get real', when you do it. Leave Mr. 'Nice Guy'
at home and discover that it will soon become much lighter
to walk this life for you, my friend.
Bruce
(P.S.
I can garantee, that You will also get more girls that way too
- since real women don 't 'do nice boys'. They want red-blooded,
true dimensionals real grown up men, not 'momma's lost boys'
and all that crap, you can find in the games of 'yes...but.....')
If you dare to be honest and direct
will you communikate, that you want a friend
or a woman, and not some superficial "acquaintance,
that you obvious is feed up with.
Be real. Dare to be you!
Splitting - Selvforsvars-manøvren
Melanie Klein developed the concept of splitting
(dvs dele sig selv op i 2 modpoler) as a defense mechanism
from her psychoanalytic work with young children. She identified it
as the most primitive of psychological defenses.
Splitting protects us from the anxiety
associated with the overwhelming rage we experience at a very early age.
Imagine an infant who is just fed, clean and dry. The infant's whole worl
is contentment. On the other hand, think of a baby who wakes up
in the night hungry and wet. The whole world is pain and fury.
The child lacks the capacity to deal with the fact
that the same mother who is the source of its well being
is also the object of its rage. The baby resorts to relating to the mother
as if she is two separate objects - the good and the bad.
As the baby matures, it is able to separate itself from the mother
and see the mother as a whole person and not just the parts of her
as they relate to him or her. The baby then must deal with
the ambiguous and depressing reality that the mother is
both good and bad - the mother who nurtures
and the mother who withholds.
This is the process of splitting.
We continue to split throughout our lives.
It is difficult to maintain ambiguous positions towards other people,
particularly if we have strong feelings about them. For instance,
think about a person who causes you a lot of problems
- or who you might even think of as an enemy.
How easy is it to see his or her endearing qualities?
How easy is it to hold these good qualities in your mind
simultaneously with the things you dislike?
Most likely, it is much easier to fall on one side,
and dismiss the other. Splitting can become destructive
when the boundary between the good and bad become rigid
and only one side is allowed into our consciousness.
It protects us from the inability of our immature selves
to tolerate ambiguity and helps us feel certain and right.
The certainty rests, however, on a distorted perception
of our social reality, which is not black and white,
nice or cruel - but all the colours of the rainbow.
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